Tuning in

There have been an overwhelming amount of demands on caregivers throughout the pandemic. Working with kids out of school, kids out of school but virtual for school, kids going back to school part-time, kids back to virtual school, kids going back fully in person to school…Phew! Children and teens thrive on routine and schedules. And so do their caregivers. The pandemic uprooted all of it!  On top of normal caregiving difficulties, the pandemic has been like a fire hose spewing water into a bathtub. If the fire hose represents outside stressors, the bathtub is our capability for coping with those stressors. 

Our bodies are equipped with an internal mechanism for keeping us alive and allows us to detect threats in our environment. This is a physiological response in our central nervous system when faced with a perceived threat (in our case, the threat of keeping our kids alive and happy). We release hormones that prepare us to survive the threat (“fight-flight-freeze”). Our muscles tense up, our breathing quickens, our heart starts beating faster, butterflies flutter in our gut, our thoughts start racing…. It’s an automatic response that has served our species for protection since the beginning of time. The process can be observable by others, especially by our kids. Our kids partially learn how to deal with threats to the environment by watching how those around them react.

Kids and teens not only learn how to cope with similar stressors by watching how the adults in their environment respond, but their coping is shaped by the responses they get from their reactions to stressors. Think about how you respond when difficult subjects are brought up. Do you tend to change the subject? Dismiss or minimize the concerns that are surfaced? Or, do you become defensive and angry? How does your child respond to you when you bring up difficult subjects? Is it similar to how you or another close family member responds to a similar trigger? There are helpful ways to manage difficult emotions and build a better relationship with your child through each stage of their development.

An evidenced-based method of riding out tough waves of emotion is called mindfulness. What do you think of when you hear “mindfulness”? It may sound hokey. You may envision a yoga mat or meditation on a mountain top. And sure, those can be mindful practices, but being mindful is not exclusive to being a yogi. At its core, mindfulness just means tuning in to the present moment with your full attention. And here’s the kicker: Doing it non-judgmentally. Mindfulness is an effective strategy that has shown to improve your awareness of your thoughts and feelings. Increased awareness, the core of being mindful, allows you to tune in to your child’s emotional needs in the moment. When our child sees us tuning in, it makes them feel safe and it builds trust.

Research provides us with evidence that mindful parenting practices can help us regulate our emotions better, leading to lower levels of judgment of ourselves and our children. When we become less critical of ourselves, we can be less critical of our children—allowing them space to get their needs met from us. Mindfulness is a practice that allows us to slow down and refrain from impulsive, instinctive reactions. Think about a time you remember having a negative interaction with a grown up when you were a child or teen. If they had taken a pause and listened to you without judgment, had taken some space to calm and respond thoughtfully to your needs in the moment, how do you think you would have felt differently than you remember feeling? Perhaps you would have felt safer with that grown-up and understood. Mindfulness builds and improves relationships between caregivers and children.

Tuning in and being mindful in your parenting is effective and has shown to improve outcomes for children with anxiety, depression, attention problems, and behavioral problems. Mindfulness ultimately reduces the reactivity in your nervous system that contributes to over-reactivity or under-reactivity in situations with your child. Remember when I said that kids observe how we respond to stressful moments? What if they observed a caregiver who showed up fully in control in the moment and gave them space to have questions without dismissing their feelings or becoming angry in response to their needs? They learn that you’re a safe person to come to when they are anxious, sad, or in trouble without judgment.

Mindful practices while parenting don’t only help children. They help us, as the grown-ups, too. Some studies have shown that parents who reported using more mindful strategies as parents of children with behavioral issues had lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. Ultimately, tuning into our children means tuning into ourselves. Check out some suggestions for mindful parenting practices below:

10 Tips for Mindful Parenting

1.     Breathe….Okay, I know this seems simple, but there’s a reason why taking slow, consistent deep breaths are so important! It’s scientifically proven to be a silver bullet to the over-reactivity of our nervous system. Try breathing in for 4 seconds, holding your breath for 5 seconds, and breathing out for 7 seconds. Now do that 3 more times.

2.     Check in with yourself….Start with your body. Where are you carrying tension? Take some deep breaths and imagine your breath moving into that part of your body.

3.    Ground yourself….In the moment, if you feel overwhelmed, try this 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique using your 5 senses. Find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

4.     Notice before reacting….What are your emotions you’re experiencing? Where do you feel it in your body? Now pause before you respond. Collect your thoughts first.

5.     Validate your feelings…..Guess what? It makes sense how you feel in the situation. It’s complicated. There’s grey. Give yourself this reminder in the moment. “It makes sense I’m overwhelmed by my child’s emotions. That’s okay.”

6.     Be present….Observe. What sounds do you hear? What do you notice about how they are using objects in play? Do you notice your check-list of things to do creep in? Non-judgmentally guide your mind back to the present.

7.     Slow mo….Imagine slowing down the interaction with a remote control. What do you observe when you aren’t fast forwarding the situation into what you think it’ll turn into with your child? “I’m observing my child is frustrated because it’s time to turn off the video game” vs. “He does this EVERY time! I know this night is going to be a nightmare.”

8.    Tune in….Try listening first to your child’s response before you respond. Observe. Why might my child be reacting this way? What are they needing from me right now. What would I need right now if I were my child?

9.     Practice gratitude….Try starting your day by thinking of 3 things for which you’re grateful. Observe how that feels different than how you usually start your day.

10.  Try it without judgment….Have you noticed how much you judge yourself? Notice where you judge yourself and find ways to give yourself credit. Instead of, “Yet another night we ate out instead of cooked dinner at home,” try, “It was a stressful day and I’m doing my best by proving my child with nutrients.” If it’s hard to withhold judgment, try: “I’m having the thought that I am not a good parent.” Put a little distance between you and your labels for yourself.