Why does my kid lie?
A frequent concern I get as a therapist from caregivers is, “Why is my kid lying so much?!” It is understandably interpreted as a crisis of morality. I usually try to reassure parents that telling a fib is actually a healthy and normal part of child development. Sometimes I even congratulate them on their child meeting this major cognitive milestone! Kids start to figure out that their mental processes are separate from their caregivers’ around age 3. This is the age when kids usually tell their first lie. They are typically bad lies. For example, after being confronted by her grandmother about the empty candy packaging on the floor, my 3-year-old told her that the dog got into the closed pantry door and ate all the candy. My daughter failed to consider that her grandmother would think about all of the facts outside of her statement…for instance, the dog (without opposable thumbs) being capable of opening the pantry door and opening the tightly sealed candy wrappers is highly unusual. At this point, kids are figuring out that they can tell a different story than what happened to avoid conflict, but they don’t realize adults can’t see the bigger picture.
Four year olds are better at lying. They know it’s wrong to lie at this age and are more likely to tell the truth. However, they are more capable of understanding the listener’s perspective of their lie, making them better at lying at a more appropriate and believable time. Their lies are still pretty transparent. During this developmental window, kids are engaging in more imaginative play, so we may see lies as a way to protect their wishes and fantasies. What is “good” and “bad” at this stage is very concrete, therefore, we may see a kid lie about breaking the glass bowl because they don’t want to be “bad” by doing a bad thing. They also want to please adults, so telling the lie keeps the adult happy in their minds.
By ages 4-5, kids start realizing that they are in control of the stories they tell and may test out what happens if they tell a lie. My daughter figured out this concept and would tell me she had kept her shoes on in the car with a wry smile, when I could see that they were off of her dangling bare feet. She was curious to see if I would be able to see a different side of the story than what was true in reality.
At this age, they might tell their friends that they have a pet unicorn at home. This is a way to gain acceptance and to play out their internal wishes/desires. These are harmless lies that adults do not need to correct. Correction only hampers imagination and creativity at this stage, so get curious and ask more about what it takes to raise a pet unicorn.
At ages 6-8, kids are more sophisticated at lying. At this stage they can commit to a lie and be more deceptive about making it sound true. Kids in this stage of development may lie about rules to games in order to benefit themselves.
Pre-teens and teens can be very capable and adept liars. This cohort will lie to avoid getting into trouble, to protect themselves or others, to gain acceptance or avoid disapproval by others, or to gain access to something they want.
The most important thing for the adult to remember when met with a lying child is that it’s normal*. Not only is it a milestone in cognitive development, but it’s also a human instinct for self-preservation and to maintain positive relationships with others.
What should you do if your child is lying?
Stay calm. Remember that your reaction to the lie will set the stage for future opportunities for them to lie or tell the truth. Inherently, kids (and teens too, believe it or not!) want to please you. It’s very uncomfortable for them to upset you and they don’t want to. So try to stay calm to give them the space to be honest (check out my post about mindful parenting!). Try to first see what’s beneath the lie. Are they afraid of disappointing you? Are they embarrassed or ashamed of something? Try to proceed with some understanding.
Avoid accusations. This creates defensiveness and a lack of trust within the relationship for the child or teen. So you got the bottom of who licked the icing off of the birthday cake. Now what? Intensifying the demand for a confession actually encourages the child to lie more and you have not taught them to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, provide the information you have and give them the chance to tell the truth. If they still lie, give them some space and let them know they have the opportunity to tell you the truth when they’re ready.
Reduce opportunities for lying. When you can, don’t give the opportunity for your child to feel cornered and lie by asking them whether or not they did something. Instead of “Did you clean your room?” Or, “Did you do your homework?” Ask them to show you their work. For example, “Let’s check your room together to see what you put away.” “Show me what you got done with your homework so far.” When faced with playing more video games or stopping to do something non-preferred, the quickest and easiest out is to lie in order to get a few extra minutes of fun or to avoid temporary conflict. Developmentally, younger kids have a hard time waiting for the long-term reward (ie: Doing something hard now to get the fun stuff later. They want that fun stuff NOW!)
Model honesty. How do you deal with conflict? Do you tell white lies in front of your kids to family or friends? Do you have a tendency to hide embarrassing things to avoid conflict or shame? Do you deflect responsibility for your actions? How we approach situations in our adult lives provides a roadmap for our kids on how to deal with being honest and how to take responsibility for our actions. That’s not to suggest that it’s appropriate to be entirely open about everything with your kids. However, think about how you demonstrate honesty to your kids and how you want them to be accountable. We need to be doing the same things so they know how.
Reward honesty. First, acknowledge how difficult it must be to tell the truth. Validate that for them. Express appreciation for their choice in being honest. For example, “I know it must have been hard to tell me you broke my favorite mug. It makes me sad that it’s broken. At the same time, I appreciate you telling me the truth.” Or, “It’s very hard to tell me that you got in trouble at school. I appreciate you telling me. Let’s talk about ways you can get a different outcome next time.” We should provide space for and give, at least, verbal acknowledgment for something that is hard to do.
Use appropriate consequences to teach acceptable alternatives to lying. I’m a huge fan of natural consequences. Connecting the child’s actions to reasonable outcomes is the best way for them to learn the consequences of their own behaviors. Even from a young age, you can teach kids what happens when they lie. Connecting the dots for them helps them learn why it’s not beneficial for them to lie. For example, “When you tell me you did your homework, but you actually still have to do it all, it makes me not trust you when you say you do things–even when you have done them. It also means you won’t be prepared when you go to school and I know that causes you a lot of anxiety.” By punishing them in a way that doesn’t connect their actions to the skill you want them to learn, it doesn’t actually teach them honesty and it also sets them up to want to lie again in the future. Instead, have the consequences connect to their action or the skill you want to see more. For example, “I saw the pink slip from school crumpled up in your backpack after I got a phone call from your teacher. He told me that you were going to tell us what happened at school and get that signed. It’s important to do what you say you’re going to do. Let’s talk about what happened at school and tomorrow you can tell your teacher that you told us.” Or, “I’ve noticed lately you’ve been telling my your homework is done, but I checked on the app and it shows a lot of missing assignments. From now on, I’ll give you a chance to tell me the truth about what work you have completed and then we will check the app together just to make sure.” We can punish them for lying or not telling the whole truth by taking away screen time, time with friends, etc., however, we need to be connecting the consequences to the actions in order for it to be meaningful to the child and to teach them the skills on how to be honest.
*If you notice your child is lying more often than not or is engaging in risky and dangerous behaviors repeatedly, it may be time to initiate therapy with a trained and licensed professional.
